10 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

Getting Old
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[dipper6]

"Smart Cat"
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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[dipper6]

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

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Q. What Do You Call A Woman That Works Like A Man??
A. A Lazy Bitch.

[dipper6]

Old man Jackson, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode.
Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally, they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Jackson, much taken aback, began, "Hey! Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others around me have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."

[dipper6]

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Kids were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences.
Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them.
The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)
Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)
My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age Cool
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

[dipper6]

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."

[dipper6]

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P. S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

[dipper6]

Why God invented Menopause
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With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"BECAUSE......... I forgot where I put it...

[dipper6]

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:

~I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother

~Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty And so is your head.

~Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face

~Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not

~I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face

~I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

~My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life

~I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming

~My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way?

~My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell"

~What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime

[dipper6]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

[dipper6]

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,"
says the truck driver:" I'll buy you another drink.
I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs:
" I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,
and then you show up and drink the damn poison..."