7 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh

The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

[dipper6]

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will.

[dipper6]

WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE

~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewellery and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favourite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shovelling snow.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favourite expression will be, "What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.


WHAT HE USUALLY GETS
~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model ... for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

[dipper6]

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

[dipper6]

In Praise of Older Women

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an a*****e if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when you need to start replacing your old fillings.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.
A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends When she's with you, in case you get any ideas...

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night In a public park.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
And that's my friends is way I married an OLDER WOMAN.....LOL

[dipper6]

Abe owns a thriving men?s wear shop in Golders Green, but his prosperity starts to weaken when a competitor opens a shop next door to his on his left. Then, a month later, things get even worse when another competitor opens a shop next door to his on his right. "Oy veh," he says to himself, "three men?s wear shops in a row is nothing but bad news." But then, two months later, things start to look up. The competitor on his left has put up a sign in his window saying: - SALE. MUST CLOSE. QUALITY CLOTHING. LOWEST PRICES.
Then, a week later, the competitor on his right puts up a sign saying: - BANKRUPT. CLOSING DOWN SALE. EVERYTHING LESS THAN COST
So Abe immediately puts up a big sign over the front door to his shop: - MAIN ENTRANCE TO THE BIG SALE

[dipper6]

A Mini car crashes into the back of Melvyn's Rolls Royce as Melvyn is waiting to turn right.
The Mini driver is furious. "Why didn't you indicate?" he shouts.
"What would have been the point?" shrugs Melvyn,
"If you couldn?t see my Rolls Royce, how could you have seen my indicator?"

[dipper6]

Renee is a very caring lady who spends a lot of her spare time visiting and helping sick members of her shul. Her car is also well known in the community because it?s decorated all over with lots of Hebrew decals and bumper stickers showing the Jewish charities she helps.
One day, as she is driving to one of the care homes she regularly visits, her car runs out of petrol and splutters to a stop. "Oy veh," she says to herself, "and just when I?m late."

Fortunately, she notices a petrol station only a few hundred yards away, so she walks to the station to get help. "Hi," Renee says to the man behind the till, "I?ve run out of petrol and I?m hoping you can lend me your petrol can. I?ll pay you for the petrol I use and I?ll return your can as quickly as possible."

The attendant replies, "I?m sorry, lady, but I?ve lent out my one and only can not more than 5 minutes ago. I?m expecting it back in about half an hour, so if you want, you can wait here for it."

But as she?s behind schedule, Renee goes back to her car to find something that she could use to fill with petrol. Then, what mazel, she notices the bedpan she always keeps handy in case of patient need. So she takes the bedpan to the petrol station, fills it and carries it back to her car.
Two men are passing by and watch her pour in the petrol.

One turns to the other and says, "If the car starts, I'm turning Jewish."