9 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that are not as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing, they just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, Men: men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the s**t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[dipper6]

Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....
it makes your nose look too short."

[dipper6]

Number One Idiot of 2006

A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center, received a call from a very upset woman. The woman caught her little daughter eating ants. She was quickly reassured that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter to the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. She was told to bring her daughter to the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote "this iza stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before the reache the teller's window. So he left the Bank of AMerica and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Okay" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unkowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, buth the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was mad of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

The Moral: No matter how idiotic you may feel, as long as you don't make the list, you must have some common sense.

[dipper6]

Make Her Feel Like A Woman
-----------------------------------------

An airplane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One Woman passenger lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the
plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If
I'm going to die, I want My last minutes on earth to be memorable, Is there
anyone on this plane who can make Me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate Woman
in the front of the plane. Suddenly, a Man from Texas stood up in the rear
of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
hazel eyes. Slowly, He started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning His shirt
as He went, one button at a time. No one moved. Finally, He removed His
shirt. Muscles rippled across His chest.
She gasped... Then, He spoke...


"OK Lady, then iron this -- and get Me a beer."

[dipper6]

A little girl was sitting on her daddy's lap. She gazed up at her father and said, "Daddy, did anyone ever tell you that you're the most wonderful and smartest man in the world?"
Her father, filled with pride said, "Why no, honey, they haven't."
"Then where did you get the idea?" She asked.

[dipper6]

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for 'Keep It Short, Stupid'."

[dipper6]

Sometimes, when I'm in class, I dream that I'm on a tropical island, with a dozen or more scantily clad females beside me, sitting under a huge palm tree, with some soft gentle music being played on some traditional wood instruments of that region, and a cool gentle breeze caressing my tanned body.
I do all this while trying to forget I'm in a classroom.
Of course, it would be so much easier without everyone yelling at me to keep teaching.

[dipper6]

Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.
Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."

[dipper6]

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can forget that hand-waving crap. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Tuesday, we continue with 'B'."

[dipper6]

These are true, I was a Sheriff and these are some of the excuses I heard. I actually wrote very few, about 1-2 a week, but when they came up with really lame excuses, I just had to.

People who got the ticket;
Guy on a motorcycle doing 110mph at 1 in the morning "I was cold so I wanted to get home fast"
Old lady doing 88 in a 25 zone "I was checking to see if my muffler was leaking"
Vietnamese woman doing 45 in a 25 school zone "No speaka english" After receiving the ticket "you son of a bitch, you wrote me a ticket!"

People who did not get a ticket;
I paced a guy going 90 mph for about 5 miles. When I noticed he had a radar detector on his dash (Yes, that's how close I was and he didn't look in his rearview mirror once!) I reached over and activated my radar. I saw his detector light up and he hit his brakes so hard he skidded into the ditch! I was laughing so hard that I couldn't write him, but I did call for a tow truck. He was a little embarrassed
Guy doing 70 in a 35 zone "I just won the lottery" He really did, but he was heartbroken when I explained that the lottery office was closed on Sundays!

But this guy was my favourite; I caught a guy in a Porsche Cabriolet doing 125mph in a 65 zone. I told him to explain why he was going so fast. He showed me the purchase papers for the car and said "I've waited my whole life to own this car. I bought it yesterday and have been driving it ever since. It was 4 in the morning, no one else was around, and I just wanted to really open it up once, to see what it would do.
I handed him back his license and said "That makes perfect sense to me".