6 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey sarge, why did you stop?"
The sarge replied, "Stupid rookie, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

[dipper6]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoots the bull with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don' t need him anymore. You're a United States senator from New York. Act like one.

[dipper6]

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.
To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."
The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?

[dipper6]

The four newlyweds spent their honeymoon at Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable. One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed. Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend's wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door
"Too late to hurry now," said the girl "Joe never prays!"

[dipper6]

There were four 80 year old men playing golf.
One complained the hills were too high.
The second complained the bunkers were too deep.
The third said the holes were too wide.
The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'

[dipper6]

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine--what's that?" she asked.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

[dipper6]

Advertising Terms Explained

NEW - Different colour from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to sell it.