Sign In
Create Account
0
Drowsing contentedly after an afternoon of making love in bed, suddenly there's the sound of a the elevator coming up.
Dreamily, the girl whispers, "Oh, oh, quick get moving, that's my husband."
Quick as a flash, Bill jumps out of bed, rushes to the window to see who parked in the visitors lot and suddenly stops dead. "What d'ya mean?" he bellows "I AM your husband!"
#1
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:43 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
Back to top
#2
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:43 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#3
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:44 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#4
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:44 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
Jeremy orders a pair of trousers from LEVINE BROS, TAILORS. Frank takes the order and tells Jeremy that they will be ready in a week?s time.
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he?s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week?s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he?s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week?s time
This goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy?s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
"Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine," says Jeremy, "but I need to ask you a question. How come God was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?"
"Ah, it?s simple," replies Frank. "Just look at the condition of the world and then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I?ve made for you."
But when Jeremy returns a week later, he?s disappointed to learn that the trousers are not yet ready and that he has to come back in another week?s time.
But when Jeremy returns again the following week, he?s disappointed to learn that the trousers are still not ready and that he has to come back in another week?s time
This goes on for two months until finally, on Jeremy?s ninth visit, the trousers are ready for him. Frank proudly displays them not only to Jeremy but also to everyone in his shop.
"Thanks for the trousers, Mr Levine," says Jeremy, "but I need to ask you a question. How come God was able to create the world in only 6 days, yet it took you 60 days to make just one pair of trousers?"
"Ah, it?s simple," replies Frank. "Just look at the condition of the world and then take a look at this gorgeous pair of trousers I?ve made for you."
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#5
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:44 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
Adam Strikes A Bargain
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a t*****e."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a t*****e."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#6
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:46 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
A U.S. Marine
---------------
Subject: Fw: A U.S. Marine
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given toboth men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road."
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing,
fat, left wing liberal democrat drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, " Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
---------------
Subject: Fw: A U.S. Marine
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given toboth men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road."
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing,
fat, left wing liberal democrat drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, " Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#7
Posted 21 October 2009 - 02:46 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 387 posts
True Member
Rules to Consider
------------------------
Rules to consider:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
"Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints"
------------------------
Rules to consider:
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
"Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints"
Enjoy Life - you get only 1
dipper
dipper
#8
Posted 22 October 2009 - 11:44 AM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 5,588 posts
you know why ---
- Gender:Male
Pity you forgot the punchline for # 5 (I won't give it away) - 
Just another private helper - (not a company man) -
When you don't have to worry about your computer anymore, you can start living again !
When you don't have to worry about your computer anymore, you can start living again !
#9
Posted 22 October 2009 - 12:26 PM
-
- Honorary Members
-
- 816 posts
Elite Member
"Between the devil and the deep blue sea"
"Between your ex-gal friend's friend & present gal friend's friend".
"Between your ex-gal friend's friend & present gal friend's friend".
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
