9 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

Four married men went fishing.

After a while, the following conversation took place.

First man: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second man: " That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck at the top of the garden."

Third man: " You both have it easy! I had to promise my wife a new kitchen."

The fourth man did not say a word, so they asked him:

"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal'"

Fourth man: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex'" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

[dipper6]

Miracle
-----------

One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front
of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then
throws away his crutches.
An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the
priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says,
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle.
Tell me, where is this man'"
"Flat on his butt over by the holy water, Father"

[dipper6]

Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either.

But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Michigan gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honour," answered Bill, "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a licence to carry a gun."

[dipper6]

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the congregation,
"Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do something about people parking behind the church at night.

I was out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a car."

One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother and enough rubbers to put tyres on it."

[dipper6]

"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common," said the new tenant's neighbour. "Why on earth did you get married'"

"I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract," was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."

[dipper6]

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert, never having seen a woman.
They finally decided to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it.
After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
The private began, "And on the third day..."
"No! no! start with the first day," everyone yells out in chorus.
"And on the third day, " the private continues, "she asked me to stop so that she could go to the bathroom."

[dipper6]

Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign.
It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.

It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

[dipper6]

A farmer hitched his blue-ribbon-winning bull to a plough and started to work his back forty.
A neighbour happened by and asked, "Isn't that your prize bull you have pulling that plough'"
"Sure is," answered the farmer.
"Well, why do you have him ploughing instead of putting him out to stud'"
"I want to teach him that life ain't all play."

[dipper6]

"Murder at Safeway"

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with
himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious
underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he
was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have
any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance
money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single
dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed
to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in
the produce department and proceeded to strangle
her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath
and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce
department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security
guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he
could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station,
Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper,
the headline declared:





"Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar At Safeway."...

[dipper6]

(This an old one)

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).
"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call centre," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.

It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at the Dell call centre. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.
If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.