14 replies to this topic

[dipper6]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[dipper6]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings
currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news'". With concern, the
gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[dipper6]

After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived. Despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

"Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh'" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else' Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.

"Hey, how the heck did you manage that'" gasped the American.
"Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan."

[dipper6]

ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

It has long been contended that there are male jokes
and there are female jokes, and there are unisex
jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love
it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an
exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her.
(As all men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $20.00....on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and Then Slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said...."Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

[dipper6]

Affair 1
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been'" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"

[dipper6]

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having
a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful Father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back'"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

[dipper6]

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

[dipper6]

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue.
"What's this'" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

[dipper6]

The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent'" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine'"

"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel'" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place'"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife'"

The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[dipper6]

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[mountaintree16]

dipper6, on Nov 12 2009, 07:52 AM, said:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

[mountaintree16]

dipper6, on Nov 12 2009, 07:52 AM, said:

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings...

[mountaintree16]

dipper6, on Nov 12 2009, 07:57 AM, said:

The 5th Affair

[mountaintree16]

Bupguanda, on Nov 20 2009, 01:33 AM, said:

Blonde Two: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder its starting to rain, and the top is down

[srtools1980y]

for affairs 1 through 6.

Quote

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.

he he