Is Windows a Virus? & other jokes.

[srtools1980y]

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.

Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.

Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.

Windows does this

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.

Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.

Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

[srtools1980y]

CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.

DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer insert disks into your computer.

TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processor doesn`t care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but it`ll be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

[srtools1980y]

Life before the computer

There was life before the computer

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano !

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account !

And if you had a broken disk,

It would hurt when you found out !

Compress was something you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while !

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode !

Cut-you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu !

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead !

[srtools1980y]

Farmers:

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter

LOG OFF: Don`t add wood

MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove

MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning

FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood

RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the wood splitter work

DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter

PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season

ENTER: Come on in

WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets cold

SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season

CHIP: What you munch during the beer sessions

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone

LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit

KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them

SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils, ya?

MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard

PORT: Where do commercial fishing boats dock

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can't remember how much you spent so much money on your Guys Only night out, last night.

[srtools1980y]

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

[srtools1980y]

Fax Technology

An american, an englishmen and a paki were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The american pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The englishmen lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The paki felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! Whats that?" "I'm getting a fax," he explains.

[mountaintree16]

A little gross but... (that was for the last one, I just noticed the others)

[mountaintree16]

Life before the computer

Hehe I saw part of this one in a store recently...