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Credithis

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  1. My Wife is gonna want one Completely & Quickly Absorbs The Odor Of Flatulence A real solution to a very real problem Contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons Even works on top of bed sheets Makes a great wedding or anniversary gift too http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxVhqkF9KgU
  2. A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked. "I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me" The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress." she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner? He never heard the gunshot.
  3. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
  4. A young man asks his granny: Have you seen my pills, the ones I left on the table this morning? They were labeled "Ecstasy". Granny says: F**k the pills, Dude... Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?
  5. A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company. One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old dog thinks, "Oh, ho! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience. Send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five more people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more "youthfully challenged."
  6. Yep, except when I'm the deep darks with my Wife, then its the dreaded "Kenneth"!!!!
  7. "You Kill It, We Grill It" Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run! Entrees. ** Center Line Bovine ** Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99 ( with cheese, add .50 ) ** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road ** What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49 ( includes soup and salad ) ** Flat Cat ** ( served as a single or in a stack ) Single Flat Cat ..................................... $ 1.99 Double Flat Cat ..................................... $ 2.79 Flat Cat Stack ...................................... $ 4.99 Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).................. $ 9.00 A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide. ** Chunk Of Skunk ** Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49 ( basted in Tomato Sauce ) ** Smidgen Of Pigeon ** Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49 ( includes salad & French bread ) ** Road Toad Ala Mode ** Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99 ( ice cream flavours chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry ) ** Shake N' Bake Snake ** Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99 ( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 ) ** Swirl Of Squirrel ** You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49 ( includes salad & peanut brittle desert ) ** Whippoorwill On A Grill ** This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79 ( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad ) ** Rigor Mortis Tortoise ** Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99 ( includes turtle soup & dumplings ) Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run! ** Canine Cuisine ** You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog. Slab of Lab ......................................... $ 1.99 Pit Bull Pot Pie .................................... $ 0.99 Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....................... $ 4.99 Sharpei Fillet ...................................... $ 2.99 Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) ................. $ 3.79 Snippet of Whippet .................................. $ 2.69 Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville)................ $ 3.89 BBQ Beagle .......................................... $ 2.79 German Shepherd Pie (with sauerkraut)................ $ 3.99 Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............................. $ 1.01 Trampled Sheep Dog .................................. $ 3.29 ** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper ** Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49 ( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra ) Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark. ** Rack Of Raccoon ** White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99 ( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug ) ** Awesome Possum ** Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99 ( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! ) ** Smear Of Deer ** You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99 ( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy) ** Texas Speed Bump ** Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69 ( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad ) Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers. ** Guess That Mess! ** A daily special treat - if you can guess it, you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99 ** Bag N' Gag ** Our daily take-out lunch special Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49 Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!
  8. A truism is explained below: THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different... . Two Different Versions.... .......... .... Two Different Morals -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OLD VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MODERN VERSION The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving. CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshoppernext to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper. The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.
  9. Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10...00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan
  10. A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years"
  11. I'm betting He is Way down below in flames.....
  12. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. And the best one: FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $200 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows f*****g everything.
  13. 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 12. Glibido: All talk and no action 13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. And, the pick of the lot... 17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole
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